


Asshole Family

by NervousOtaku



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bad Dads, Dysfunctional Family, Inspired by history class, Sibling Rivalry, heaven is boring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 18:48:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12990294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousOtaku/pseuds/NervousOtaku
Summary: When he gets bored of life in Heaven, Kadir makes a run for it, and uses his temporary freedom to go see his baby brother. Because even if he hates the little shit, they are brothers.





	Asshole Family

**Author's Note:**

> So I recently learned that the Ottoman Empire started off as what was essentially a micronation, surrounded by much larger and stronger 'brothers.' I decided I wanted to play with that a bit. I'm not a history person, so there may be some liberties taken with things, but I think I followed along well enough...

Kadir was quiet, glaring grouchily as Old Man Rome flirted with everything that moved.

Heaven was boring. Everything revolved around Rome and his ‘inner circle.’ Kadir’s grandfather might have been an on-off member of said circle, but that didn’t matter to him. What mattered was that there were far more impressive people around, but the people running the place only seemed to care about Old Man Rome. Never mind, say, Hittite. Or the Ancient American Trio, Aztec, Maya, and Inca. It was all about Rome.

“You look grumpy.”

Blinking, Kadir looked up.

The Aztec Empire stood over him, face clean of war-paint and hair down in messy waves.

“... I suppose I am grumpy. How is it fair that Rome gets to leave and see his relatives and the world, but no one else? Just because he’s supposedly the basis for ‘all of modern society?’ That makes no sense.” he admitted as the American Empire sat next to him.

“You have relatives left alive?”

“Well… one that I know of. Unless the brat somehow died while my back was turned and got sent to Hell instead of coming here.” Kadir sighed, leaning back and directing his glare towards Rome again.

“Your opinion of him sounds low.”

“Well… I dunno if I ever told you, but our old man wasn’t the greatest at raising us. Gramps was great with him, so I dunno what went wrong. Being chummy with my brothers isn’t something I was taught to do. And the brat down there is the one who killed me. Pretty much did the same thing to me that Rome did to Carthage over there.”

“And yet you wish to see him?”

Kadir paused, tilting his head back, before answering. “Well… he is my baby brother. And we did grow strong and become empires together. We were on-off allies for a while before I tried to stab him in the back and got gutted for it. And right now… we were always fighting for our father’s favor, y’know? As the survivor and the one who had the most impressive run of us all, the brat has Old Fart Seljuk’s smile at the moment. I admit, I’m curious to see how he’s faring, how long he’ll keep that smile.”

Aztec nodded, and Kadir noticed the man gently palming something, tossing it up and down.

“... Where in the hell did you get a rock from.”

“Rome dragged it in. I’ve been saving it.”

“Saving it? For what?!” he demanded, looking around in bewilderment.

“Listen. Your brother takes priority. But if you have the time and the ability, would you mind stopping by the Americas? A number of my grandchildren are waning, and will soon join us. If you can, I want you to go to them and let them know that I will be waiting for them.”

“And how, exactly, am I to get out?”

He was given a gesture to wait. Aztec pocketed the stone and stood, walking away. Kadir watching in curious confusion as the Ancient American stood near the little Roman gaggle. Rather than do anything to them, Aztec scanned his surroundings before producing the rock again. There was a brief check to see who was watching-- Kadir noticed Hittite had his head tilted-- and then the almost feral empire threw the stone, hard.

Kadir felt himself gasp as Carthage stumbled with a shout of pain, clutching the back of his head. All eyes were now on the Phoenician nation as he stooped to pick up the stone.

“What the-- Rome!”

“Now hold on a minute!” Byzantine barked defensively. “He didn’t do anything!”

“Miss Byzantine,” Aztec said, “Rome is the only one of us present who could have had access to anything like that in a place like this, and there is bad blood between him and Carthage.”

“Let’s not forget that he was something of a bully and disregarded many people in his expansions.” Hittite called out.

“You stay out of this!” Egypt hissed, bristling as she rounded on her old rival.

“Yes, why don’t I, and let the completely objective view of one of Rome’s lovers decide whether or not he’s guilty of attempting to stone Carthage.” the older empire said, rolling his eyes.

“Now hold on,” his grandfather snarled, “I was right here too!”

“Yet could you not be considered a member of his close circle? Defending him from me so you can go at him yourself?!” Carthage challenged.

Kadir couldn’t help but grin as he saw what was happening, standing up as if he were enraged by what was happening as well. Honestly, he was kind of surprised that Rome himself hadn’t spoken up yet, merely looking curious and confused, but slightly amused.

His father now began to bristle, marching up to Carthage and barking about how disrespectful the comment was to Persia. Byzantine snapped, and Kadir’s siblings rallied to growl at her collectively. Hittite and his old allies and conquests were up in arms against Egypt by this point. Aztec and the other two Ancient Americans were facing off against Germania, who looked like he knew something was afoot.

As punches began to fly, insults and war-cries filling the air, Aztec turned in his direction and gestured.

Grinning slightly, Kadir turned and bolted.

He owed the guy one for this. He’d definitely try to make it to the Americas and tell the Nahuatl groups they could look forward to meeting their grandfather in Heaven. As small and insignificant as he was despite being a former empire, it would be a while before anyone noticed he was gone, most likely. The first ones to notice would likely be the other beylik, who would figure it out quickly enough and keep the secret in order for him to bring them news of their baby brother. Next would most likely be their father, who would complain to their grandfather and stir up a ruckus until he was back. It wasn’t long, but he had a while.

Finding a ‘safe’ way down would take too long, he decided, seconds before he jumped out of Heaven.

  
  


 

 

Kadir sighed, stretching. His back popped a few times, making him sigh again.

The fall had been a little rougher than he’d been expecting, but he was in one piece. He’d managed to get his hands on some modern clothing, so he didn’t stick out. He was now wearing a dark shirt under a blue jacket that hung from his shoulders, with blue jeans with holes in the knees and tall black boots. His eyes were covered as always. But despite wearing a mask over his eyes, he didn’t attract much attention.

Not that there was much attention around here to attract. This little countryside place near the border was quiet and quaint. It reminded him of the good old days, even with all the modern bits added on.

But that aside, it was his understanding that his baby brother Sadik often met with two of his old wards on a set of stairs just outside the city on quiet, mellow evenings like this.

The brat, having wards. The idea was almost laughable. He could remember when Sadik was a tiny little thing sucking nervously on his thumb as he struggled to keep what little land he had from being ripped out of his hands. The thought of that tiny brat handling kids made him want to snort as he climbed the old, crumbling stone steps.

Shortly, the sound of a squabble reached his ears.

It may have been a handful of centuries, but he recognized one of those voices. Kadir couldn’t help but grin slightly.

He’d sneak up on them and throw Sadik into a headlock before pinning him to the ground.

Moving slower now, he kept climbing. He was greeted rather quickly by an inquisitive black creature that he identified as a jackal. Had Egypt had a kid? He couldn’t recall.

The answer turned out to be yes as the jackal raced back to it’s master, standing at the top of the steps he was currently climbing. He’d never met this kid before, but that was definitely Egypt’s bloodline. Smiling impishly, he held a finger to his lips. Neo-Egypt tilted his head, looking curious, but obliged him as he reached the top of the flight. The ‘landing’ was covered in grass and moss. It wasn’t hard to identify his brother, wrestling with… Neo-Byzantine, from the looks of things.

Kadir was quiet, moving carefully closer. He didn’t want them to become aware of his presence and spoil the fun.

It was inevitable, though.

Neo-Byzantine noticed him over Sadik’s shoulder, staring in confusion. It only took a second for his brother to register that something was the matter and start to turn.

Kadir launched himself forward, throwing his arms around the younger beylik with a drawn-out roar of, “Saaaaaaaadiiiiiiiik!”

“What the-- Who the hell-- Kadir?!”

“It took you so long to recognize your own brother, how shameful!” he roared, forcing his brother into a headlock and deliberately toppling their weight over. Sadik was effectively pinned and not going anywhere unless Kadir said so or he received outside help.

“You’re supposed to be dead! Leggoahme!”

“Ağla amca!” he said with a grin, tightening his hold a tiny bit.

“You fuckin’-- No!”

“Then I’m not letting go! You’re stuck forever, poor baby Ottoman!”

“I ain’t a fuckin’ baby, you sonovabitch!”

Kadir laughed, throwing his head back.

“I… didn’t know you had a brother…” Neo-Byzantine said slowly, sounding confused as he kneeled down before them, Neo-Egypt trotting around to join him.

“Kadir, shaddap--”

“Oh, he was the baby of the group! Tiny little knee-high brat tottering around the horses while all his big brothers were off fighting wars, slobbering on his thumb--”

“Damn you, shut up!”

He laughed as Sadik bucked beneath him, still trying to get free.

“So who’re you, then?” Neo-Egypt asked softly.

“Kadir Adnan, formerly the Karaman Empire, ended by the Ottoman Empire prior to his expansion outside our Anatolian homelands. Nice to meet ya, kiddo.” he replied, adjusting his grip on his brother so that he could look up at the two Neo’s better.

“Ended by?” Neo-Byzantine frowned, turning a dark glare towards his brother.

“After you stabbed me in the back!”

“After you lead me on with that shoddy alliance.”

“You started it!”

“Now you just sound like a baby. Should I fetch your blanket and dollie, brat?” Kadir grinned wickedly.

“Fuck you!”

“Children shouldn’t use such foul language, Sadik, how crude!”

A series of hissed curses and slurs answered him as the brat took to clawing at the ground in effort to gain some sort of hold in order to throw him off. He was only able to laugh.

“The youngest… huh…” Neo-Byzantine said thoughtfully.

“The tiniest and weakest of all us beylik, and yet somehow this brat is the only one that managed to survive! Talk about dumb luck, huh?”

“Luck had nothing to do with it! Leggo! I can’t breathe!”

“You can breathe just fine. C’mon,” he coaxed, giving his brother a slight shake, “Ağla amca! Just like when you were a kid, we’d pick you up by the scruff of your neck and hold you way up in the air while you screaming in fear--”

“Shut up!”

“-- and then we’d have to walk around singing lullabies when you wouldn’t stop crying, it was hilarious!”

“Shut up! I’ll kill you! You fucker!”

“That sounds dangerous, playing with a child that way…” Neo-Egypt commented, sitting cross-legged before them.

“He got over it, he’s here, isn’t he?” Kadir grinned, letting go with one hand to ruffle Sadik’s hair. He earned an extra buck for the action, making him chuckle. “Hell, our horseplay’s probably what made him so tough and durable, he learned how to bounce back from us bullying him on a daily basis and applied it to life in general!”

“You were all sons of bitches, just like the old man!”

“Hey, that’s uncalled for, brat.” he said calmly, adjusting his hold again so that now Sadik really would start to have trouble breathing. “So, how about you two? Relations to the brat here?”

“He conquered us when we were young. We were his wards for a while, along with a few others.” Neo-Egypt replied.

“Heh, so that was true. I still have trouble believing li’l baby Ottoman could ever raise anything or anyone!” he chuckled.

“He wasn’t very good at it.” Neo-Byzantine said with venom in his voice.

So despite how little Old Fart Seljuk interacted with Sadik, he still rubbed off, huh. Kadir was willing to take the blame for that. They needed an outlet to take their aggression out on after their father would get into a mood, and young Sadik had been a perfect target. Small, weak, surrounded by them and therefore unable to make alliances that would protect him, not that any of the surrounding nations would have. He did feel bad about that, but…

“Ah-amca…”

“Huh? Whassat, brat?”

“Amca, y’fucker…”

Grinning, Kadir let his brother go and rolled off him, up into a sitting position. Sadik just flopped down on the ground, burying his face in the dirt and grass.

“Heeeey, I break out of Heaven just to see you and this is how you act? Rude li’l shit, aren’t ya?” he teased, poking his brother’s side.

“My back hurts. Lemmebe.”

“Your back? You got old, brat!”

“Shaddap, you’re older than me!”

“I’m also dead, recently jumped out of Heaven, and have potentially two months to do as I please with my freedom.”

“What do you mean… broke out of Heaven?” Neo-Byzantine frowned.

Kadir watched in amusement as a pair of cats practically appeared out of nowhere and took to winding around the young Byzantine before answering. “It’s really boring up there. Everything revolves around that guy Rome and his inner circle. As if the others there don’t matter, everyone forgets that there are far neater people present, simply because Rome’s flirting with anything that moves. And he recently got to go see his relatives and explore. But no one else is allowed, and that struck me as really unfair. So I made a deal with the Aztec Empire. If I’m able, I’m to go see his grandkids and say hello to them for him, and in exchange he made a distraction so I could slip away unnoticed.”

“I’m almost scared to ask what kind of diversion…”

“He threw a rock Rome dragged in at Carthage, and everyone assumed it was the old coot and started one hell of a brawl.” Kadir grinned.

“That’s stupid…” Sadik muttered into the ground, still not moving.

“And I did it all for you, you brat. The old man’s been raving about how you’re his favorite for the past few centuries, and I’d please you to remember how fickle our father was.”

“I didn’t ask to be his favorite! Go die!”

“I already did, when I was fighting with you for that very same title.” Kadir replied, allowing his voice to grow cold and make the brat flinch.

“Fickle?” the Neo’s questioned.

“The Seljuk Empire was… not a very good father. He played pretty blatant favorites, and if he got in a mood he’d take it out on us beyliks. If you were his favorite, you could avoid his hitting you and screaming abuse. To earn his smile, you had to be big and tough. Sadik was too young to even earn his ire, though, before the guy vanished completely and we realized we were flanked by the Byzantine Empire and the Mongols, both of who wanted us dead or in chains, and we took to killing each other. Somehow the brat here managed to survive and kill those of us who lasted off. The old fart’s been raving about him almost ever since. Sadik survived! Sadik was a proper empire! You fucks were supposed to set an example for him and all ended up dying! At least now he doesn’t have to worry about you weighing him down!”

“Shut up already! They get it, our father was an asshole!” Sadik snarled, finally shooting up.

“All of us were assholes, Sadik. That was how we survived back then, was by being assholes. We’d been taught that only a huge asshole could make it in the world, and all of us were too soft having grown up together. And then you came along, the little wimp that we inadvertently only taught how to hate everything and everyone-- You fell in love with our enemy, for crying out loud!”

Silence fell, Sadik drawing his arms up over his head and mumbling something that sounded like an apology.

No, he knew it was an apology.

Centuries go by and the brat didn’t change a bit, huh.

Kadir wasn’t able to resist gently patting his baby brother’s back, thinking of all the times he and the other beyliks would argue over who should go sing the kid to sleep. It was never anyone’s turn, it was always the job of whoever lost the shouting match and fistfight that happened in the evening. He could remember doing such horrible things to this guy, and even though this was the sorry bastard that killed him, he was only able to see the tiny, wide-eyed toddler hiding behind the legs of a horse.

It pissed him off.

“Point of the matter is that you did survive, and you did do the best out of all of us. Even I didn’t last as long or get as strong as you. Given how itty-bitty you used to be, that’s pretty impressive. You had to be the smallest nation in the world at the time, and you grew up to be intercontinental. Pretty impressive, and honestly probably deserving of that asshole’s favor.” he sighed, gently rubbing between Sadik’s shoulder-blades. If he remembered correctly-- ah-hah, he did, there was the off-button. The tension didn’t leave the other completely, but he did relax.

“So you’re saying you all grew up poorly… because your father treated you badly.” Neo-Byzantine said. Kadir could see the skepticism on his face.

“Hey, crappy parents beget crappy parents. If you’re never taken care of, you never learn how to take care of someone else.” he hummed, tilting his head back to look up at the sunset-dyed sky.

“... I’ve learned…” Sadik mumbled.

“And that’s part of what pisses me off about you. You’re better than literally everyone else in our family, and that’s just salt in the wound at this point.” Kadir replied, leaning over to pull Sadik into another headlock. He released him fairly quickly after this one, ruffling his hair to make him squawk, and turned to the Neo’s. He noticed that more cats had appeared at some point. It was almost creepy.

“Why did you want to come visit?” Neo-Egypt asked, head tilted curiously.

Kadir smiled, lifting a hand to his face and removing his mask for the first time in he didn’t remember how long. He had to blink several times, eyes adjusting to the light. Neo-Byzantine began looking back and forth between them with a somewhat critical face.

He was aware that he and his Ottoman brother looked alike. His hair was longer, darker, and his eyes were dark brown instead of that honeyed hue, plus he had the beginning of an actual beard instead of just having stubble. In the clothes he was wearing now, they must’ve looked almost identical.

“Because even though I hate him and he’s the reason I’m dead, Sadik is still my baby brother, and no matter how shitty I’ve been to him and how shitty our family is, I still care about him.” he grinned.

“... Shaddap, ya bastard, gunna make me…”

“Make you what? Make you cry? Should I sit you in my lap and hug you until you’re better?”

“Shaddap!”

Kadir laughed, standing up and slipping his mask back on. He and some of his brothers had started wearing them so their father would never see their eyes, never see the emotions there. Sadik had always worn his the best, though, still hyper expressive despite it and making it impossible to read him. Perhaps that was why now it was so odd to see him and know exactly what he was thinking.

“Anyway, I promised Aztec I’d go see his grandkids for him. The guy framed Rome for braining Carthage with a rock for me, it’s the least I can do.” he said, waving slightly as he turned to leave.

“Are you coming back?”

He didn’t know if the Neo’s could hear it. That small, planative note of need.

The little brat hiding behind whatever he could, trembling in fear of both his brothers and of being left alone.

“We’ll have to see, won’t we?” he grinned over his shoulder, pulling the hood of his jacket up as he moved down the crumbling stone steps.

**Author's Note:**

> I think what Kadir tells Sadik when he has him in a headlock is 'cry uncle.' I don't know for sure. Feel free to correct me.


End file.
